Starting right now

 Me, glass always full, look on the bright side, always wanting to help others...this couldn't be happening to me and yet it is.

I don't know why but I am blue!  I have been in a funk for a few months now and nothing is pulling me out. I have good moments but overall the dark moments are clouding those good ones.

I don't know what, why or how this is happening to me.  I have a great life, awesome boys, a challenging and rewarding career and a husband whom I adore.  On the outside, there is no reason to feel the way I do.  On the inside there is nothing either.  It isn't one thing or one person...in fact most of the time it is over nothing.  "Why are you crying" "tell me what is on your mind".  I can't answer these questions because I don't know the answer. 

I need to bring myself back out from this place...I hate it, I hate who I've become, I hate I am not strong right now, I hate needing reasurrance, I hate that I frustrate my husband daily, I hate that I can go a day without crying.

Starting right now these are things I am going to start doing.

1. 30 minutes a day dedicated to just me.  A walk/run, a trip to the farmers market (my favourite thing to do), go and sit at Starbucks and read, time in my craft room, a bath, etc.  I will not consider my drive to and from work time for me nor will I consider slumped in front of the TV time for me.  

2. Start being realistic and not expecting always good things. In order to have good things, there must be bad things. Without one, the other couldn’t exist. So instead of lamenting the bad and celebrating the good, celebrate both. Celebrate the bad because it will eventually be good. And celebrate the good before it goes bad.

3. I will never be perfect—just like everyone else.

4. People are mean or angry or sad because they need to be at that time. Just like a lightning bolt, it seems very intense and like it’ll last forever, but it’s only temporary.  Allow them to have their feelings but don't take on that monkey. If they are angry, you don't have to follow suit. 

5. You can’t control everything and everyone. So why bother trying? Just flow with it. You can’t change the way things happen, but you can change your reaction to them.

6. Money and wealth are not the same. Money can only buy stuff. Wealth is something money can’t buy. Money is fine jewelry and nice cars. Wealth is a full belly and a house full of loved ones.

7. I am exactly where I am right now because that’s where I need to be.

8. I don’t want or need to know the future.

9. No one will remember the little mistake I made in the office or at home earlier. 

If no one else is beating me up over it, why should I?

10. Life doesn’t assault you or throw curve balls at you; you get what you give. If I think I deserve better, maybe I need to act better

11. Everyone makes mistakes.

Even people I perceive to be perfect. They’re the furthest from it.

12. Success has no standard definition.  I get to define what that means for me.

13. Life is very simple. 

I just insist on complicating it.

14. Other people have had my problems before and managed to overcome them. I can too.

This is much easier said than done and even as I am typing this I am bawling. So why am I choosing this avenue to express myself. I have to be honest. I need help...not just professionally (I am on top of that), I mean the help from friends and family.  How, I don't know but I do know that my life is great and I have the power to fix this...hell I am a cancer survivor!